The battle against parent guilt and other destructive emotions
If there’s one feeling that unites moms and dads all around the world in the rollercoaster of emotions that is parenting, it’s guilt—and most commonly it’s a mother’s guilt. Let’s break the silence on parent guilt and other common feelings.
What is parent guilt
Am I doing enough? Am I doing things right? No matter where you live or what your background is, it’s likely you’ve felt this way at some point on your parenting journey. And while some level of parenting guilt is completely normal—and probably inevitable—it becomes a problem when it gets in the way of your day-to-day life. For example, you’re struggling to make decisions or you’re backtracking on those you’ve already made.
Maybe you’re beating yourself up about returning to work after maternity leave—even though this may be a necessity to support your family finances as well as your mental wellbeing. Or you’re cancelling that date night because you’re having second thoughts about the babysitter that you spent so long vetting. If this sounds familiar, then you might need some help dealing with parental guilt.
What causes parenting guilt?
Parenting guilt can come from a combination of internal and external pressures. Perhaps you’ve set high expectations of what you want to achieve through parenting, based on your own experiences of childhood. Are there wrongs you’re determined to put right, like never offering your child the unhealthy foods that you grew up on? Or maybe the memories of your younger years are so rose tinted that you simply can’t live up to them. Worse still, what if you’re not enjoying parenting, but you feel bad even admitting it to yourself?
Sometimes unrealistic ideas of how you ‘should’ be feeling about parenting or how you ‘should’ be carrying out certain tasks can come from external sources like friends, family, and social media. It can be difficult not to compare our lives with how other parents are doing it with seemingly so much ease, when all we see are smiling pictures of happy families, out on yet another carefully orchestrated, fun but educational day trip. Of course they’re not going to publicize the tantrum that exploded 20 minutes earlier when the child was clipped into the car seat!
How does parent guilt—or more commonly a mother’s guilt—affect us?
A big challenge when it comes to parenting guilt is getting moms and dads to admit to their feelings and get to the bottom of what’s causing it. They may feel ashamed about feeling jealous or insecure, or just prefer to put on a brave face when people ask how they are. But left unchecked, parent guilt can spiral into high levels of anxiety, which can be a symptom of depression. Moms experiencing baby blues or more serious postpartum depression may in turn feel guilty that they’re not enjoying motherhood, creating a vicious circle.
In China, for example, over half of new moms surveyed (53%) agree they take on a lot of guilt. A similarly high number (48%) also say they experienced baby blues. In comparison, only 6% of new moms in Poland suffered from baby blues, but they are still affected by guilt, with 41% feeling the burden.
Dealing with parental guilt
All around the world, there’s a huge pressure for parents—particularly moms—to be perfect, especially in cultures where they take on the main parenting responsibilities. But remember, there is no such thing as a perfect mom. How can there be now you know that everyone else is also dealing with parental guilt and worrying that they’re not doing enough? For tips on getting rid of a mother’s guilt, read our checklist.
Find out about other new mom emotions you might be experiencing and get help in spotting the signs of baby blues versus postpartum depression here.
Recommended checklists
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Planet Parent
Sources
The Parenting Index, First Edition 2021, theparentingindex.com
Last revised: June 2022
